


Freer Than a Bird

by Leryline



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Erwin/Levi - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Smut, Wall Maria - Freeform, eruri - Freeform, levi being an ass, petty fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 16:28:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2395106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leryline/pseuds/Leryline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has been plagued with night terrors, but doesn't tell Erwin. What lengths will the commander go to in order to discover their cause and help Levi cure them once and for all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first SnK fic and will probably be my last. Also can I just say that this whole universe is a masterpiece. A+ for you Isayama.
> 
> This fic is broken into 2 parts to deal with its size. It has been thoroughly Beta'd and there _is_ sex eventually.

**PART I**

* * *

 

 **Tuesday, 2:43 am**

_“I only joined the Recon Corps to kill you, Erwin.” The words racked through his body, and somehow they weren’t his own. They had been lying deep within him, slumbering, dormant, biding their time until they were to be used. There was no ‘if’. One day he would kill somebody after a relentless chase, and he would, before dealing the finishing blow to them, tell them those exact words. “The only reason I came here was to kill you.”_

_But he couldn’t land the blow. He couldn’t slice Erwin Smith’s head clean from his shoulders, nor could he tear his beating heart from his chest to avenge the meaningless loss of those he had loved. The fire in Erwin’s eyes, the sheeting rain, the howling winds and screeching trees had formed a whirlwind of confusion that had, in the total cataclysm of that afternoon’s extramural excursion, cleared his mind of all the unnecessary emotions clouding it and exposed him to only one thing: death. Death, as clear as it could be. He had seen it so much, yet never had it reared its likeness as it did then, when he stared into the face of Erwin Smith that seemed to be composed completely of the image of death and despair and blind faith. “I’ve only come to kill you!”_

_And then Erwin’s lips parted from their twisted grimace and he bellowed: “It’s the Titans!” in a voice so powerful that the very storm by which they were surrounded paused in its rage to gaze upon them. The rain was sucked into the clouds and the thick bank of fog broke apart as if Erwin’s great voice had broken their wall asunder. His face was aflame with a passion the likes of which Levi had never seen; his eyes were bright with fire and his skin was crumpled and creased with the lines of a face working to express its emotion. “Where did the Titans come from? Why do they exist? Why do they devour humans? I don’t have the answers! None of us do!” His hand gripped the slicing edge of Levi’s blade though he remained unflinching despite the metal biting deep into his palm. At that moment he was focussed solely on the young man – little more than a boy – stood before him, water streaming from his hair into his eyes that remained wide open and unblinking. “Limited by our ignorance we will continue to be devoured by Titans! If we just stay shut up behind those walls we are never going to escape this nightmare.” He grit his teeth, feeling the electricity in his body swell up dangerously into his throat. “Take a good look around you!” He gestured with his free hand. “No matter how far you go, there aren’t any walls here. In this wide open space… I believe there is something there, illuminating our despair.”_

_The rest of his words fell mute upon Levi’s ears. All he could see was the working of Erwin Smith’s mouth and somehow he managed to understand the message being issued from it. With each breath his voice grew more heated, was filled with a little bit more passion, and pertained that degree of absolute despair found only in the faithful. And in that moment Levi saw something in Erwin Smith that he could not find in himself, something that he craved and that he envied. Faith._

_Erwin, by then soaked to the bone and laden with heavy, waterlogged clothing, reached out and grasped the front of Levi’s cloak in the hand not holding the blade. Fingers grappled at the material, quivering and ghostly white, and despite his slowed movements Levi found himself unable to intercept or dodge. He grit his teeth and tasted the freshness of the rain between his lips, breathed the sweet fresh air of the outside, and he felt all his senses heightened as if he had consumed a drug popular in the slums under the capital. But this was it. This was real._

_“Will you kill me…” Even Erwin’s voice had become laboured, broken by the deep heaves of his breath. “And return to the darkness of the Underground?”_

Everything had depended on our escape! Everything had ridden on getting out of there! _Levi saw Isabel’s face, peaceful upon the uninjured plane of her severed head. Farlan? Farlan was gone, too. Even if he reached victory, if he was able to grasp the freedom he had sought, who would he have to share it with? Levi glared down at Erwin and watched as he gently released the blade that had shorn through half of his hand; who was truly at fault for the deaths of his friends? Was it Erwin? Was it the Titans? Or… or was it him, Levi?_

 _“Humanity needs your strength!”_

* * *

 

Levi woke enveloped by darkness. For a fleeting moment he lost his ability to breathe: the pressing void about him was suffocating him.

Flinging back the sheets twisted about his legs, Levi pulled his unresponsive body into a sitting position. He put his fingers to his eyes; he was drenched in his own sweat, cold and sharp against him like pins being pushed through his skin. He felt pathetic. He knew well enough that his dreams were something beyond his control, but it still made him feel unforgivably _out_ of control. As Lance Corporal of the Scouting Legion, out of control was something Levi could not afford to be. “Shit.” He hadn’t killed him, not in the end, even if perhaps he should have. But then again, his life had been filled with the need to choose between two options: join the Survey Corps or remain underground? Leave Farlan and Isabel, or remain to protect them? The monstrosities of the decisions he’d made – all the _wrong_ ones – loomed above him like a bitter, grinning Titan.

Usually, upon waking from night-terrors such as these, Levi was quick to calm his nerves. But this time – this time he began to sweat more after he woke than he had otherwise. God, why? He worked his hands over his face and through his hair, his teeth grinding together. “Fuck.” His composure was shot through, he knew that, but thankfully it was still ungodly enough an hour for nobody to be poking around. He glanced at the face of the clock hanging slightly crooked on the wall by the window, half-illuminated by moonlight. _Quarter to three._ He lay back against the pillow, but the sheets felt scratchy under his skin. He was used to sleeping on the naked ground, littered with ruts and invisible stones, so why was this feeling so unbearable? Levi groaned, sitting up again. There was no hope for sleep now.

What was he going to do until dawn? He went to the window, pressing around the sill to look out at the lightening sky. It was close enough to summer now for the day to begin early, and so despite the early hour the sky had already been laced with a dusty grey. It was perhaps light enough to go down into the yard and do drills by himself… he had paperwork to do, and had received a new box of candles only the other day…

Levi almost jumped clean out of his skin as the sound of thundering feet came down the corridor outside his room. There was only one person passing, but the heaviness of the footsteps could account for a whole group of recruits. Levi knew exactly who those footsteps belonged to, as well. As the footsteps receded like fleeing thunder, the noise of the waking barracks was then sourced from the yard to the north-west of Levi’s window. The recruits from the 104th were beginning to congregate there, their hair still mussed from sleep and their hands still rubbing slumber from their eyes. He heard the sharp bark of Mike Zacharias’s voice and watched the recruits scramble like ants into formation. He turned from the window, shaking his head. His sweat had dried and his hands had ceased their tremors.

Who would have known – watching those little recruits running around had done him good.

As the crunch of frosted sand and the sound of Mike shouting rose from the compound, the sun began to peak over the broken ridge of Wall Maria, sending shards of golden light refracting off the stone. The light was so young that it lay gold against Levi’s fingers without any heat.

The day had started, 4 o’clock sharp. Glancing at the clock again gave Levi pause: had he been waiting there for that long? An hour? Shaking his head he pulled off his nightclothes and began to dress. There was a pleasant secureness in tightening the 3DMG straps about his body, fitting into the indentations and bruises formed by extensive over tightening of the straps. Shirt, trousers, strapping, boots, jacket. Cravat. He bit the inside of his cheek, wearing it long enough to appraise himself in the mirror hung over his small washing unit before removing it.

 

**7:04 am**

“You’ve been dreaming again, haven’t you?”

The hairs on the back of Levi’s neck prickled at the sound of the commander’s voice. He had expected it – for Erwin to speak – but he had not expected him to speak as he had. He hadn’t expected Erwin to say what he did. The tone the commander used to address him made an involuntary shudder walk down his spine; he could feel the relaxed coolness of Erwin’s palms upon his skin, smoothing over his hair, righting his clothes that had haphazardly fallen askew, just from the sound that came from between Erwin’s lips.

“Dreaming?” Levi demanded incredulously, “is that what you’re calling it now?” In reality, the question posed to him had frightened him beyond his wits. Last he recalled he hadn’t told anybody about these weakening nightmares, least of all Commander Smith. Despite all his secrecy, Erwin’s eyes were hard as flint in their certainty, and it made the corporal’s blood race through his veins. He didn’t need to turn to see the expression he’d no doubt elicited from Erwin’s face; his reply had been curter than he’d intended it to be. Though, knowing Erwin, he would hardly put his heart upon his sleeve. Levi turned. He was right.

It was only the two of them left in the mess hall after breakfast; the meal itself had finished punctually at six thirty, but Erwin had sat staring at Levi for the next half hour and Levi, unable to move under the piercing weight of the commander’s gaze, had also remained in his seat. Their food, already stale and slim as it was, lingered sour in his mouth. He wished he’d never eaten anything.

“What would you prefer I call it?” Erwin’s voice seemed displaced from his body. Levi wondered for a moment whether it was his own hazy, fractured grip on reality that caused this certain incongruence or if it was just Erwin crippled by exhaustion after yet another sleepless night. The thought made the corporal’s shoulders stoop glumly: one of the most comforting things about sharing a bed with the commander had the irreplaceable sleep they’d both gotten. To Levi there was something remedial about overseeing Erwin’s hours of sound sleep, like a mother watching a child at ease. It made his nerves dance and flutter like ribbons in the breeze, and he shook the thought from his mind. Not waiting for a reply, the commander continued. “It was Isabel and Farlan, wasn’t it?”

Levi had to bite back his tongue. “Do you really believe I’d be thinking about that now? It that how low your opinion is of me? That was years ago – why d’you think I’d remember them, now of all times?” He was aware of the cadence of nonsense tumbling from his mouth, and as his eyes flickered gingerly over Erwin’s face he saw that the commander had noticed the same thing. Snapping his teeth shut, Levi waited in Erwin’s silence before he realised that the commander had not, in fact, heard him, and had only seen the inane working of his lips as he’d stammered out strained words. The chair creaked beneath him as he rose to his feet, fingers gripping the back of it, clammy and numb, to balance himself on legs feeling unusually weak. Levi could only wish for the respite of splinters. “Forgive my transparency, Commander,” Levi said coolly in a sudden, scathing remark, fixing Erwin’s concerned gaze with his own, sharp and keen as the edge of a knife. “I didn’t know you thought me so weak.” He made across the room with quick strides so brief he seemed to barely touch the floor; the hard soles of his boots clacked with the animosity he felt but could not bring himself to fully express, and as he went to pass Erwin and exit the room the commander caught his arm and arrested his flight.

“You aren’t weak, Levi.” Erwin’s fingers tightened round the corporal’s arm, nails biting through the material of his sleeve. “You’re ‘Humanity’s Strongest.’ ‘Humanity’ – you’re ours. You’re human.” Stoically, he sat back down so their eyes were on a nearer level. He held the corporal like a child between his knees, both his wrists contained in large, strong hands, his blue eyes tired and expressive as they looked up in search of a gaze that refused to meet his own. “Humans feel things, Levi! You are not at fault. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel things like this, to experience these numbing emotional heights. What happened to Farlan and Isabel –,”

“Enough,” Levi interceded sharply as he wrenched free of the commander’s grasp and retreated to a safer distance. Erwin stood again, though he moved diffidently, once more towering over his subordinate. “It’s in the past. There is no use in dwelling on it.” Once again he tried to leave, but Erwin’s arm shot out across the doorway and his hand anchored into the wood above the latch, preventing his escape. The other hand balanced on his hip, the commander leaning his weight against the wall in a stance that would have otherwise seemed languid had Levi not witnessed his eyes grow tight with concern.

“I’m worried about you, Levi,” Erwin said in a low, intimate tone that made Levi uncomfortable. “I see you wandering round like a ghost or a lost soul; you’re making sloppy mistakes while training and in administration, and people are noticing. You’re one of the key threads keeping this failing unit together, and I can’t afford to let you slip. I don’t want you to get killed, either, personal or no.” Levi glared up at him out of stormy eyes. Erwin leaned down further so his face was close enough to the corporal’s that Levi could see his pupils widen and contract. “You get no sleep, you train like a dog and you eat like you’ve been given leather. You _look_ emaciated, you look tired, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand it. If you’ve contracted such chronic insomnia then maybe I could do something to –,”

“I’m fine!” bit back Levi with the ferocity of an animal, startling Erwin enough to make him retract his arm. Levi batted the rest of the commander’s barricading limb out of the way and wrestled his way out of the door, slamming it as he went. Insomnia. How ridiculous! But… what was he afraid of? Since when had the security he’d craved and received from Erwin Smith disappeared? He then came to a grim revelation: he was afraid of what Erwin would think of him. It made him feel irrevocably small and insignificant, and he could barely stand the thought of Erwin laughing at him or finding him weak without feeling nauseated.

Once out in the corridor he felt a little freer. The air was cooler and fresher than the stifling atmosphere in the room he’d just left; Erwin’s demanding presence had stolen his breath from his throat more often than not, and Levi preferred his own inconspicuous nature to Erwin’s attractive one. He was rid of it now.

“Levi!” Erwin had paused for only a minute before beginning in hot pursuit of the corporal. By the time he’d opened the door Levi had almost disappeared; he followed his fleeting steps and chased him as demurely as he could as he continued down the corridor. “Levi, don’t ignore –,” Levi came to an abrupt halt, the sudden stop almost resulting in a head-on collision due to the commander’s impossibly long pace.

“Isn’t it a little too early for you to be harassing me, Commander?” Levi turned and asked dryly, eyelids drawn down low over his eyes. Erwin was silent, standing with stiff shoulders as Levi left the mess hall to go about his day.

 

**1:52 pm**

“Hey, Levi,” Hanji Zoë called as she gallivanted into the archive office. “Are you all right?”

For a moment he didn’t reply.

“I’m perfectly fine.”

Hanji’s eccentric, bespectacled eyes rose from above the line of books through which Levi had been browsing, and as he moved along the shelf – trying as hard as he could to ignore her – she followed him. He offered her a withering glance, the pouches under his eyes darkening with irritation. Soon the titles inscribed on the spines lost their meaning and Levi was focussed only on losing Hanji’s concentrated stare. Then the shelf came to an end and Levi found himself looking up into Hanji’s unobscured face.

“What do you want?”

“You seem a bit down,” she observed coolly, her eyes glittering behind her lenses. “Any reason?”

“Your presence here is my problem,” Levi replied more rudely than he had intended, and saw hurt flicker briefly across Hanji’s face. “Leave me alone.”

Wordlessly she departed, leaving Levi feeling guilty but unrepentant. She was gone and that was all that mattered. His whole day had filled with the insistent commotion of the Recon Division, the noise that he had been usually able to filter out ricocheting off each stone in the wall and each flag on the floor and right into his head as if someone had boxed his ears or clapped pans to the sides of his head. Calling, shouting, clashing blades and wooden knives from the combat yards, the neighing of the horses in the stables behind the building… Levi, after reaching his absolute limit, had retired to the archive library. Officially, even as Lance Corporal, he wasn’t allowed to be in this place. But he was Humanity’s Strongest, and he could do as he pleased no matter what the rules said.

With Hanji gone, Levi was finally left in only the company of books and unlit sconces. He stared blandly at the book he was already holding, not recognising what was written on the front of it or why he had chosen it in the first place. Hanji was usually perceptive, but Levi was usually clever enough to conceal whatever it was he was feeling from her. He must have been really thrown off course if he’d let his countenance slip so far that Hanji was able to gauge what he was feeling. This was bad. Very bad.

He walked to a table by one of the tall windows, placing his book down on the tabletop and sitting before it. He didn’t open the book; he didn’t even touch it. He didn’t look at it. His attention was drawn from what he was supposed to do towards the things he had done already, and to all the things he had yet to do. Isabel and Farlan lingered with him, their faces hovering like ghosts above him. What would they say if they knew how he felt about the commander? How the commander felt about _him_? If they knew that he was being torn in two between his insufferable desire to kill him and his desire to love him? He knew what they would do. Farlan would be embarrassed for him: a man? Why a man, Levi? Why him, of all people, after what he did to us? What he did to you?

Levi licked dry lips. Farlan would have ignored him after that. Isabel… she would have grinned in that funny way of hers, put both her hands on his shoulders and told him to follow what he felt. The problem was that he had no idea what he felt.

It would be so natural for him to be up to the elbows in Erwin Smith’s blood, to feel his body dead in his arms, under his blade, to feel the heavy life seep from him. But it would feel natural, too, to feel his body without the blood and the lacerations, to feel his strong arms, his hands, his lips –

A sharp jolt in his abdomen startled him from his thoughts. A heat had surreptitiously spread from deep within his stomach, creeping down his thighs, gripping his hips with fiery hands. Levi opened his mouth to swear, but no sound came out.

He felt a light sweat break out on the back of his neck, and each nerve in his body was as sharp as a needle. Each pore of his skin was taut and sensitive, his ears on fire and his mouth dry as sand. His fingers itched against the rough, splintered surface of the table behind which he was seated. He had to go. Now.

Leaving the library was one of the most singularly difficult tasks Levi had ever been put to. The halls were buzzing with soldiers, his own room was on the other side of the compound, and walking with a raging erection between his thighs always tended to put a lilt in Levi’s step that – he knew – would hardly go unnoticed. He had gathered his books in his laps and walked with them extended before him. Damn it – he knew he should have brought his cloak with him.

Whenever Levi walked anywhere eyes followed him. It was how things went. He was small but powerful both in strength and rank, and he was the fascination of many. _How could somebody so small be the strength of humanity_? But he was so used to it now he hardly noticed it. This time was different, though – he was acutely aware of people looking at him, watching him. To those close to him his mood was determinable by the sound of his footsteps; he had nobody close enough to him to be able to gauge how he was feeling through it, though, not anymore. The people who watched him now had eyes that were dull in their faces, but if Levi caught them in the right light they shone with vigilance before quickly looking in the other direction. He shivered.

He couldn’t be further than a hundred feet from his room, now – it was just around the corner here – God, he was so _close_ …

“Corporal Levi!”

Levi turned stiffly, his fingers rigid on the leather binding. “Commander.”

Erwin had his hands buried deep in his pockets, standing with his weight right back on his heels. Levi noticed that a strand of sandy hair had fallen over Erwin’s forehead, and was irritated by it. He knew he ought to have continued on his way and neglected any kind of cordiality towards Erwin Smith; he should have turned his shoulders about his ears and went on. Should have. But he didn’t. He was acutely aware of Erwin approaching him, wholly concerned for Levi’s sudden and unusual rigidity. He reached out with one of his broad, calloused hands towards Levi’s shoulder, but the smaller man flinched away from his touch before the fingers reached his jacket. Erwin’s brow creased and crumpled into a frown at Levi’s behaviour.

“Is something –,”

“Nothing,” Levi broke him short abruptly. He took a few lilted steps backwards and felt his fingers turn bone-white against the books he held. “I must take your leave. Good day, Commander Smith.” He nodded his head awkwardly before moving away and out of sight.

Erwin looked after him, brows still worriedly knitted together, noticing Levi’s strange, uneven step. He still moved fast. Erwin, naturally, was worried. Levi was his best captain – certainly his most potent soldier – but his attention had been wavering dangerously. He wasn’t sure what was causing it, but he knew that Levi had been experiencing horrific dreams.

Staring after Levi, who had by now disappeared so completely that even his footsteps could not be heard, Erwin brought his fingers to his chin and turned on his heel back in the direction he had come from. He remembered when he had first suspected something was wrong with Levi: it was before he knew about the night terrors. One muggy evening in June he had asked Levi to come to his room – for the first time in months the captain declined the offer. It wasn’t serious, was it? Levi was probably busy, or not in the mood, and Erwin respected both his space and his privacy, so he didn’t press the point. But the next night was the same, and the one after that – days turned into weeks, and it had been almost two months since that day. Levi had not only avoided sleeping with him – he had also begun to avoid speaking to him, or even being in the same room as him. Erwin was confounded by confusion: he had no idea what had affected the captain so much that he would treat the commander with the rigidity he did. Initially Erwin had believed their relationship to be evolved enough for him to be able to approach Levi about his fears, but there was something about him that pushed Erwin away. It was a barrier he couldn’t see or determine: he could feel it and was beaten by it, but he was still unable to figure out what it was in order to break it down. This was what hurt him the most.

Being unable to approach Levi to comfort him – or offer him some kind of support, at the very least – wounded Erwin more than anything. Levi had always been the type of man who preferred his own company, but this time he seemed as if he was on his absolute lonesome. He’d lost his two closest friends, an event that still consumed Erwin with guilt each time he thought about it. It was a rash, ambitious move of his that had spelled out Levi’s uncomfortable solidarity. He couldn’t remedy that. But surely he could do _something_ for the captain, even if it was small, to ease his discomfort?

Breath wouldn’t come to him. His throat had seized up and his chest had grown tight; he attributed it to the autumnal chill that had set in overnight. It was cold enough to dust the ground with frost, but still Levi slept with his windows open.

Not seeing what else there was for him to do, Erwin meandered from his course back to his office. He traipsed down the hall, bound on either side by unadorned stone; there would have been miles and miles of halls like these in the headquarters, most of which were abandoned now, all looking exactly the same as each other. It was only because of his trained eye and natural sense of direction that kept him from getting lost. Especially when his mind was fixed on other things, which it very often was. He headed for a steep staircase at the back of the building; it was a dangerous stair – probably responsible for a good many injuries. There were no lights to illuminate it, and for good reason: the walls were so tightly pressed that had there been sconces in the wall the soldiers would have split their skulls or lit their hair on fire. The stone steps were slippery and bowed after years and years of faithful use, spiralling down steep as a ladder, their width allowing room for only one person at a time – for Erwin, it was a tight fit. He felt along the wall with his fingers stretched either side of him, his feet keeping close to the stone underfoot so he didn’t make an unceremonious entrance to the storey below. He was thankful for these stairs: they demanded vigilant and absolute attention, which drew Erwin’s mind away from Levi, if only for a minute or two.

Blinded only momentarily by darkness, Erwin emerged into a small alcove on the ground floor of the base. The back easterly quarters of the building were not frequented often, but those soldiers who were on duty in the kitchens used it well enough. Two of them currently sat on crates by one of the windows peeling potatoes into a medium-sized, ribbed barrel. By their sides were sacks only partly-empty, meaning that they had only just started in preparation for dinner. Erwin recognised one of them as Sasha Braus – one of Eren’s friends, from the 104th. She looked hungry, despite only having just eaten, her hair bristling with fervour. Her nimble fingers worked fast with the knife, peeling and slicing, and Erwin was glad she had sense enough not to try and eat the potatoes while they were still raw.

Passing the recruits, the commander managed to evade the boisterous noise of the kitchens and exit out into a narrow lane running behind the building. In the mornings the area was blissfully quiet, seeing as the kitchen staff were usually too tired to make much noise, but since the day had worn on the recruits had become more and more excited, and so the air was still filled with cries and laughter from the kitchen complex. Erwin would have preferred the pre-dawn silence, but the high bumble of childish laughter was pleasant. It eased the heaviness on his shoulders a little.

The boughs of the trees stretched over him to lean against the wall of the building. Their trunks were thick and old, greying bark peeling and curling away from their bodies. The crisp autumn air had blistered the leaves from their summery green to a deep gold or crimson, before they withered to brittle brown wings and released their holds on the branches, fluttering to the ground. Still, it was early enough for the sun to be rising in summer hours, so the trees were bursting with tones from bright, young green to the brown underfoot. The bushes wrapped round the bases of the trees were hardier, made of tough spindly foliage and sporting small, white flowers. The flowers weren’t especially pretty, but they were enough, like pinpricks of snow. Starlings sat high in the embrace of the trees, warbling along like a stream, their voices intermittent in their song.

Erwin used to come here when he was a new recruit himself when the headquarters were permanent and populous prior to the appearance of the Titans that had felled Wall Maria. He’d never been one for close-packed audiences or gatherings; it made his head feel too full of other people’s business. So he’d escaped here, to this small strip of land between the main building and the stables. The steady smell of the horses and of churned soil from the gardens a few yards to the west were some of the most calming things Erwin had ever encountered. They gave him a sense of balance. When he was younger – smaller and more agile– he used to haul himself up into the trees themselves and sit with the starlings until the snow began to fall late in the afternoons; he’d not always been responsible, and the memory made him laugh to himself. But he was an old man now (though, in reality, he would have still been able to get away with it) – he’d leave tree-climbing to the recruits.

The gravel path crunched under his feet as he began along his way, the gentle _k’sha k’sha_ of it lulling his body into an easy sway. He ought to have brought his coat along with him – it was colder out than he’d thought. A snap frost? He wouldn’t have been surprised – this part of Wall Maria was susceptible to early changes like these. He would have liked deep pockets to push his hands into. Instead he balled his fingers tightly against his palms.

The air came sharp between his lips like the bite of a knife. There was nothing violent about the briskness of that particular afternoon: there was only a gentle breeze washing about his ankles, but from the level of his waist upwards the air was still. The world seemed frozen in place, and even the noise of the recruits begun to phase out of hearing. The more Erwin regressed into his own thoughts and into the company of his surroundings the less he felt burdened by his life: by the lives of others placed in his hands, by the crisis looming over humanity, by Eren Jaeger and the 104th, of the hatred directed towards him by the public and the Military Police… by Levi.

Erwin stopped, the crunch of gravel fading into silence. His brow was knotted into a deep frown that drew his gaze to the scratched toes of his boots. Levi wasn’t a burden, was he? Was Erwin attentive to him only because he felt Levi needed it? Was it against his own better judgement to make a companion of him? Questions unfurled in his mind like flowers, and they stuck to him like thorns. There were so many grey areas in his relationship with the captain; areas he didn’t know about, areas he didn’t have the courage to explore.

He blindly felt his way over to an old wooden bench propped against one of the trees. It had been there for a long time: the tree had swelled enough to begin to swallow up the back of it, making it impractical for anyone to attempt to move it. Erwin parted his knees and braced his elbows upon them, leaning his face into his hands. It had all seemed like such a bad idea then – why pursue a street rat from the Underground? The Survey Corps didn’t need an urchin who had a knack for 3D Manoeuvre Gear. Then he remembered the fire in Levi’s eyes, the grim determination when Mike had pushed his face into the puddle of sewage, and he remembered what had cemented his decision; it had been enough to make Erwin drop to his knees in that filth, after all. It was the question unasked but dominating the minds of most people who knew Levi. _Was he worth it?_

A sharp bark of laughter shattered the air. Erwin soon realised it to be his own, and was shocked by the sound of it. It was all so stupid, people questioning Levi’s ethic like that – he hadn’t robbed the Survey Corps of anything. It had been the Survey Corps who had taken him from the comparative safety of the slums to the uneven existence of a soldier of the Recon team. It had been the Survey Corps who had sent them out into danger. It had been the Survey Corps who had taken Levi’s friends – his family – from him. It had been the Survey Corps. It had been Erwin.

Perhaps he’d known it all along – he probably did. That he’d stripped Levi of everything he had loved and expected him to continue on his way afterwards. It was then, sitting under the tree on that decaying bench, that Erwin fully recognised the scale of Levi’s dedication. It made him feel sick. The captain regarded him with such trust, and for what? There was some kind of objective Levi had in mind; something that he would reach after all this – but what? What was it? The saving of Humanity? Perhaps, but Erwin suspected his goal was different. Erwin had been so focussed on the injustices done inside Wall Sina and in regards to the Titans that he hadn’t seen the injustices he himself was committing.

He got to his feet and briskly made his way back in the direction he’d come. He didn’t pay attention to the noise of the gravel he’d been so occupied with before. The trees appealed to blind eyes, vision shrunken to tiny points of light before him. It pained him that Levi still felt the need to avoid him like this.

Sidling past the throng of clerks standing in the sunshine outside, he entered into the alcove by the kitchen complex, which had grown steadily noisier; the recruits peeling potatoes were almost three-quarters of the way through their sacks; the bitter expression on Sasha Braus’s face made it quite evident that her hunger had finally overcome her and had resulted in a fittingly unpleasant consequence. They nodded briefly to him before he’d passed them by, his long, powerful legs opening in strides that drove him forward. The stairs were easier to ascend than they were to descend; it was like climbing a ladder. He couldn’t break into a run – it wasn’t proper, and he didn’t want to startle anybody by seeming to be flustered. He felt his cheeks growing hot, and was ashamed to be pushed so far out of his usual character. He could traverse the way to Levi’s bedroom from almost any point in the building with his eyes closed, but this time the walls pressed in close and unfamiliar about him, and he begun to doubt his bearings. There was no room for doubt, not now.

The heaviness of his boots against the wooden boards sent echoes up round him like the thumping heartbeat of the building; it pounded low in his ears and he was acutely aware of his own presence, as well as the uncomfortable solitude by which he was surrounded. It was always odd not having a little grumpy man by his elbow, though for all intents and purposes he oughtn’t to have been used to it at all.

“Corporal!” Erwin hammered on the door to Levi’s bedroom, but there came no reply. Staring at the silent wood, Erwin felt his face grow hotter, and he reached up to push his collar a little further apart. “Levi!”

“Corporal Levi isn’t here, Commander,” came a hesitant voice from a little way down the corridor. Erwin turned expectantly to the man who had addressed him, and at the commander’s bright gaze he started. “He – he said he found an issue in one of the legers and had gone out to make corrections.”

Of course he did. The little weasel. “Did he say where he was going?” Erwin demanded, his voice shooting forward more sharply than he had premeditated. He cleared his throat. “Did the corporal tell you where he was headed?”

The young man shook his head. “He didn’t – though he went in a north-westerly direction, so I suspect he’s headed towards the logging village a few leagues away… or to Wall Rose.”

Erwin nodded briefly, murmuring a word of thanks and moving back towards the main staircase. His pace didn’t slow, and only increased – Levi was a fast rider, and an agile one at that, so if Erwin had any chance of catching him before he returned to Wall Rose he’d have to move immediately, and he’d have to move quickly. His lips were pressed into a firm, pale line as he broke into a full run, long legs carrying him over the ground at a flighting speed. As he’d expected, his soldiers’ eyes followed him in alarm. Erwin’s composure was usually perfect, and so for something to throw him so out of his usual presentation must have been serious.

He reached the stables and set about saddling his own horse – it was faster that way. He knew his way about his equipment well enough, and didn’t have to fiddle about with flimsy ideas of textbook-perfect preparation. When he was finished he swung himself up into the saddle, his horse practically steaming beneath him, stamping his hooves in anticipation for what he felt would be a hard ride. After almost a week of being cooped up in the base due to snap freezes, the animals had begun to grow restless. While scouting relays had been deployed, larger excursions had been avoided.

With an encouraging kick to the side, Erwin’s steed shot off at a gallop. The wind felt icier than it had before; it snapped back through his hair and sent his coat flapping around his ribs. Soon the clacking of stone under his mount’s hooves turned to the rough crush of packed dirt, and then finally the dull thudding that came with grassy terrain. This was the land Erwin knew, the land that held his unwavering love. It was the land that had been claimed by the Titans, unfettered now by human hand. The prairies and paddocks lay unchecked, pale bones from animal carcasses grown mossy like the ribs of ships. Wild heather grew in sprigs along derelict fence lines, the bright faces of wildflowers turned towards the sun. The land untouched by civilisation was beautiful in its own right; it possessed a wild allure and a rugged kind of perfection. It was pure, it was free – freer than anything inside the Interior. It was what kept drawing Erwin back, time and time again.

“Levi!” His voice was stolen by the wind almost as soon as it left his lips; calling for the captain was a futile idea, he knew it, but he figured it was worth a shot. “Levi!”

This time, upon his third call, the wind dropped. The barrel of his voice cracked forward like a flare gun, fanning out in directions he couldn’t have hoped to have covered otherwise. “Levi!”

As he galloped over the low swells of the knolls that used to serve as grazing ground for cattle there came into view a section of elevated land; the ground had been cleared for the cattle, but as the land rose the pines sprung up, some youthful and pale in the sun and others deeper and taller and older than the rest. They were an offshoot from a pine forest that had once covered the whole district, but was now centred to a stretch measuring only five leagues across. It was sensible, shrouding a village in a pine forest, but it was decisively easy to pick out amongst the paddocks. Erwin’s face folded as he squinted against the sun, his brow again knitting into a furrow. Levi wouldn’t chose somewhere like that. Could the recruit have been right in saying he’d travelled to Wall Rose?

Erwin had seen men crack before. Being part of the Survey Corps entailed severe physical and emotional stress, and it wasn’t uncommon for soldiers’ wills to snap. Levi had it a long time coming.

Pulling on his reins, Erwin turned his mount to the west to get a better look at the village, the shards of golden light streaming across his vision. The air brushed sweet over his tongue, carrying all the richness of autumn. He turned to look at the distant line of Wall Rose; if Levi had made to return there, then he’d be too far gone by now. Erwin couldn’t hope to travel that far alone. How long had he been riding? It had seemed like only minutes – as Erwin spurred his mount up an overgrown path leading to the village, he noticed that the day had already begun to darken. The path was a thin line cut between the pines, narrow to begin with and narrower still now that it had been neglected for so long. Branches ghosted over the horse’s flank, making the animal uneasy with the gentle touches.

The days begun early and finished early, for reasons unknown to Erwin: it seemed to be partial to this area of Wall Maria. Perhaps it were the hills that shielded them from the sun more than other areas. Regardless, the sun was almost disappeared behind the rise of Wall Maria, plunging the land into deep shade. Already the sky was laced with mauve, its pinnacle a deep blue. White mist begun to congeal over the ground. Erwin hadn’t thought ahead when he’d made the decision to ride out in pursuit of Levi. Not that it especially mattered – most Titans were inactive during the night hours.

The village was silent; small log houses stood with gaping black windows and doors. Glass was smashed in their sills and doors hung off their hinges, swinging in the breeze with eerie creeks. Darkness fell quickly; Erwin’s breath clouded as it left his lips, his steed’s sweat rising from its back in a vapour and breath steaming from its nostrils. It seemed unnerved by their surroundings, and Erwin smoothed a hand reassuringly against his neck.

“I didn’t think you’d venture this far into the forest, Goldilocks.”

Erwin twisted round in his saddle, his fingers feeling for blade canisters that weren’t there. He looked up in the direction of the voice; after the shock wore off he felt a great lull of relief. Then his eyes focussed through the darkness and saw a small body perched on one of the boughs of the thicker trees, like one of the starlings he’d seen earlier. “It’s almost night.”


	2. Chapter 2

**PART II**

* * *

 

 

**2:02 pm**

_I can’t stand it here,_ Levi thought bitterly as he paced back and forth in front of his bed. _There’s no freedom. Not here._ He knew he was being stingy because, comparatively, this was as free as he was going to get. Caged birds could only fly so far.

He knew he was freer than he could hope to be in any other circumstance; he’d lay on his back in his youth and stared at the sky from the craggy hole above the Underground and dreamed about seeing that sky from horizon to horizon. He’d dreamed about leaving the walls, living above ground. He’d achieved it, but freedom still felt out of reach.

Then again, he reasoned, freedom wasn’t something he could just grab. It wasn’t an object. It wasn’t palpable. It was – what did that kid Armin call it? – a _social construct_. It was something that formed in people’s minds – but it didn’t actually exist. So what were they working for? Some kind of invisible, non-existent goal? It felt like they pulled a little closer each time a Titan fell steaming at their feet. When they’d reclaimed the Trost district by having the Jaeger boy plug the hole in the wall with that boulder, they’d pulled a little closer. But there was no substance to it. It left Levi feeling thirsty and disappointed.

With small hands he felt along the plastered line of the wall. It was unadorned except for a hook by the door on which hung his jacket; broken only by two windows set into the southern face of the room, he was surrounded by one continuous cage. “I didn’t come here to be caught again,” he said aloud, entirely to himself; outside there was the rush of leaves and a score of birds took flight into the air. He leaned out the window, watching them as they flew out of sight. So it might be a _social construct_. It was still important.

“Corporal,” a young clerk approached him after he exited his room. The aggressive taps his boots made on the hardwood floors were muffled by the thin carpet laid out down the passageway; tall, wide windows belched forth floods of golden sunlight. The little man scuttled up to fall into step beside him, though at the crumpled darkness of Levi’s face he kept a little back. “Uh – the supply legers just arrived from Wall Rose, and the officers were wanting them looked over –,”

Levi snatched the papers the man offered, stuffing them into his pocket. His cloak was folded under his arm, and he paid no attention to his company before reaching a junction in the corridors where the clerk went off on his own way with a shrug, considering his job done. The papers crackled in his pocket as he flung out his cloak in front of him, sweeping it around his shoulders as he jogged down the stairs. He strode across the yard to calls of ‘Corporal Levi! What’ the matter?’ or ‘where are you off to, Levi?’ from closer acquaintances. He went to the armoury and proceeded to clip on his Manoeuvre Gear. His straps grew heavy with the weight of his equipment; the feel of it instilled security. It made him feel better – less troubled.

So what had sent him galloping over the abandoned pastures? What had made him feel the need to escape the stifling atmosphere of the Recon base? Parting himself from the place didn’t put him any closer to freedom, and he knew it. But that didn’t change anything.

Extricating himself from the gates of the building was like a lungful of fresh air. This was what he lived for – these moment where he could let go of his past, disregard his present, and ignore his future for a little while. He could focus on just existing, on just feeling the thrill of being alive. How long would it take for someone to go out after him? How long would he have to hide himself away? It was dangerous to potter about in the districts of Wall Maria on his own, but it was a risk he was aware of and fully willing to take. He needed space and time to clear his thoughts and vacate his head; he couldn’t get any work done otherwise. All he’d done to excuse himself seemed like a jumble of incoherent dreams.

He slowed his mount to a walk, twisting in his saddle to survey his surroundings. There were no Titans in sight, and he couldn’t hear any close by… it looked like they were safe for now. His horse, a placid appaloosa mare, stamped her hooves and bent her head to graze as Levi sat and thought about what he’d do. All round him was land that swelled gently into low hills, plots separated by unrepaired fences and crumbling stone walls. Neatly-kept hedges had been reclaimed by nature, bursting in all directions like great green flowers, and he could see as the earth’s fingers reached up to take possession of things left behind after Wall Maria had fallen. He felt a little intimidated: he was surrounded not only by the danger of a Titan popping out of nowhere, but also by the rugged anger of nature. It was so absolute – everywhere he turned there was evidence of the intense power that the earth was capable of putting forward, greater than humanity, greater even than the Titans.

Suddenly his mount raised her head sharply, her ears pressed flat back against her head. Her mane bristled beneath his fingers, her shoulders quivering, and she snorted uncomfortably. Her discomfort alerted Levi and drew him from his reverie; he sat erect in the saddle, his back rigid as a board and his knees taut and ready to send her into a wild gallop. Fingers lingering on the reins, he peered around him. There were no Titans nearby.

The sun beat down above him like a pulse, hot and sharp against his neck. Such strong sunlight was sure to make the Titans active, even if the temperature had dropped after the cloud cover had blown over. It wasn’t safe – or sensible – for him to linger in the middle of an unsheltered prairie like this, even if he was Humanity’s Strongest. He spurred on his horse, heading towards a village he knew to be abandoned. Situated on the crest of a hill and surrounded by an almost impenetrable pine forest, the place was almost completely fortified against the higher Titan classes. It was one of the last places to be evacuated after the fall.

Levi felt the land rise underneath him, and his horse’s breaths became laboured as she climbed the steep slope leading to the gap in the trees. It was still early enough for there to be light – it couldn’t be past four o’clock in the afternoon; the sun hadn’t dropped behind the wall. The ride from the headquarters to where he was now couldn’t have taken more than an hour… he was far enough away that he could no longer see the place. Turning and gripping his reins he urged his mount on further. Sharp twigs caught in the dark green of his coat, pulling loose threads and making his passage up the narrow little path more difficult than it perhaps needed to be. The way was tight, as tight and immoveable as a small stone passageway. The trees grew so close to one another that they blocked out almost all the light and plunged Levi into a strange half-darkness.

Soon the narrow path bloomed out into what appeared to have been used as a communal meeting area – it was largely unchanged from its days of use, Levi guessed, with low log benches and a fire-pit of blackened sand and stones. Shafts of emerald light shone down over them, illuminating low cabins and tethers once used for horses. Above him, the pine needles rattled in a whispering breeze; the village was truly abandoned, and it looked as if it hadn’t been organised at all, with broken windows and doors and upturned water troughs.

There was no sense in tethering his mount to anything. She wouldn’t wander far, and even if she did a curt whistle would bring her back fast enough. So Levi dismounted, wrapped the reins around the pommel, and gave her an encouraging pat on the flank. She nodded her head sleepily and begun to graze peacefully around the base of the trees.

Levi put his hands on his equipment, feeling along the cold metal of the gas canisters. Reaching up he dislodged his operating devices from either side of his side holsters and shot out his wires, releasing a burst of gas to shoot him up into a thick, old tree. These trees weren’t as big as those in the more giant forests, but they were large enough to sport boughs strong enough to hold his weight, there were enough of them to block out any unwanted visitors, and they were high enough to allow one to escape from the Titan classes that were small enough to get through the packed net of foliage. Levi sat down in the tree, a good fifteen meters above the ground, straddling the bough with one leg either side. Trying to get comfortable while completely equipped was difficult, but years of practice had taught him the right angle to lean and which way to turn. He could heard the steady huffing of his horse below and the trilling of thrushes amongst the needles.

“Levi!”

He jerked upright, fingers tightening around the rough grips he held in his hands. It was only the ghost of a voice on the wind; he’d probably heard it wrong, anyway. It was probably just a warped sound from the birds.

“Levi!” The voice then went off like an explosion; it was loud, tearing through Levi’s head like a spear, and it was sharp enough that it sounded as if someone had yelled in his ear from right beside him. Christ, he’d been right – who was it? Whose voice? Levi suspected he’s finally gone mad. After all these years of faithful service, he had to go mad now –

Around him the light begun to fade. If he set off now he’d not have time to make it back before nightfall – it didn’t matter. This place was safe enough, and he’d gone sleepless nights before. The fractured sunlight that had filtered through the trees, like the light broken and coloured from cathedral windows inside Wall Sina, had faded from vibrant emerald to a much duller hue, as if the afternoon had sucked all the colour from it. Ghostly shadows swam along the ground in the obscure light, and the cabins set further back in the trees were almost completely impossible to see. He didn’t want to fall asleep ever again, especially not in this uncertain darkness. The fire pit could have easily been the silhouette of Isabel Magnolia’s head. The shadow dancing across that cabin could have been her before she’d been killed. That one over there – fleetingly, against the base of that tree – could have been Farlan. It looked like him, when they’d flown through the Underground.

The sound of shifting leaves and snapping twigs drew his attention. He saw Erwin, then – of course, it had been him who was calling. Levi had recognised the wavering, deep note of his voice, but had been loath to admit it. So he hadn’t gone mad; Erwin, on the other hand, probably had. Levi grit his teeth, filled with a fiery self-directed rage at himself that he allowed himself to be so consumed with emotion. Sat in the shadows completely hidden, Levi watched Erwin as he made his way into the clearing. Like his own horse, Erwin’s mount seemed to be unnerved.

“I didn’t think you’d venture this far into the forest, Goldilocks.” Levi watched as Erwin started and twisted around. He put himself in the pale light so the commander could see him, and was amused to see Erwin grasping at gear he’d obviously neglected to put on. “It’s almost night.”

Holding Erwin’s pale eyes for a moment, he shot his wires into the branch and swung himself to the ground. Up close, Erwin looked dishevelled. He dismounted quickly, bounding over to stand before Levi. He reached out to touch him, but paused before drawing his hands back, remembering the incident of the morning.

“You’re a real fucking asshole if you think what you did was _heroic_ ,” Levi said stiffly, folding his arms. “You should’ve just left me alone.”

Erwin looked injured. “Levi, I was worried for you –,” he began, but Levi cut him off with a violent gesture. The captain walked briskly to where his horse stood munching on wild daffodils, fisting his reins in his hands and hauling himself up into the saddle. Erwin’s eyes flashed and his strong hand shot out to grab Levi’s ankle.

“Where do you plan to go? Back to the base? Do you know how _dangerous_ it is to travel at night? Titans could appear at any time –,”

“Erwin!” Levi barked. “Shut up! What is your problem, anyway?”

Erwin pulled Levi from his saddle by the ankle, not making to catch him as he fell. The corporal staggered to regain his balance, grabbing at Erwin’s arms to right himself. Levi let forth a burst of curses, shaking off Erwin’s hands; the commander, seeing that he wasn’t able to calm Levi down just yet, took a step back. Levi turned away from him, hiding his face. His cheeks were burning and his eyes were stinging all the way to the back of his skull.

“Look at me, Levi.”

Levi didn’t. He couldn’t let Erwin see him – not like this. Not while he was in the grips of such uncalled for emotion. It had all been building, building, building, but Levi had thought himself stronger than this. He’d kept himself steeled for so long against so many things, so why did this have to happen _now_? Why did this have to happen in the middle of a pine forest in some unprotected district of Wall Maria? Why was it so easy to contain his fear and his anger, his love and his pain, but when he looked into Erwin Smith’s composed eyes he lost his head completely? He wanted to kill him for it.

“Levi!”

“Stop – fuck off, Erwin –!” The soles of their boots scraped up the dirt as their arms locked in a sudden, violent skirmish. Levi was trying to escape, Erwin wasn’t letting him. The commander wasn’t about to let his corporal fly off somewhere else; this wasn’t just about tact, it was about feelings that Erwin held closer to his heart than he probably should have. “Let go of me!”

“No,” grunted Erwin in reply, finally succeeding in locking his thick arms round Levi and using his quick reflexes to knock his feet out from under him. They fell to the ground as one, kicking and biting and scratching. Erwin was careful to pin Levi’s hands beneath him: he knew how sharp the captain could be and he certainly wasn’t going to risk it. Despite his caution Levi managed to slip one small hand free from the commander’s grip and tried to use it to lever Erwin’s face upwards. Levi delivered a swift but powerful punch to the underside of Erwin’s chin, sending his teeth snapping together. Instead of throwing him off, however, the action only served to kindle a fire deep within his eyes, and his fingers grew tighter around Levi’s wrist, pulling his arm a little bit further up his back. Levi let out a sharp bark of pain, scraping his nails over Erwin’s face. He felt the sharp, untended nail of his index finger slice through the scrunched skin over Erwin’s brow, blood scalding against his fingertip. Erwin’s hiss of pain blew over the shell of his ear hot and fast like a desert wind.

Then something snapped.

The two froze, breath baited upon their tongues, waiting for the other to howl in pain. Someone had broken a bone. There was no question about it.

“If your fucking muscles are holding your spine together I’ll tear them apart,” Levi rasped from between gnashing teeth. He’d heard of people snapping their necks but not noticing until it was too late largely because their muscles had lessened the effects of the broken bones. Levi then felt a blindingly intense rage rise up inside him as Erwin smiled thinly down at him; it was a shit-eating grin that made Levi realise Erwin knew something he didn’t.

Erwin nudged his nose up along the line of Levi’s neck, breathing hot and wet against his skin.

“You fucking _bastard_!” Levi bent his knees and curled his legs up under him, finding the hard plane of Erwin’s tensed stomach and planting his feet against it, pushing with all his strength. Erwin’s arms jerked back from around him in an instant response and he hit the ground on his back, cushioned on the spongy, dead foliage. In the darkness it was hard for Levi to determine exactly where he’d rolled to, but after he’d gotten to his feet and the blood had faded from his vision his pinpoint focus returned to him and he saw Erwin’s great lumbering form struggling to come to terms with its own balance. Levi suddenly became aware of his own heavy breathing and leaned his hands upon his knees as he felt his eyes grow hot once more. Relaxing from his battle-ready stance, Levi pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and drew in a shaky breath through his nostrils, feeling his fingers quiver against his hair. _You fucking bastard!_

Twigs snapped and pine needles rustled as Erwin pulled himself upright. Nobody had broken a bone; Erwin had pressed his knee down on a brittle branch that lay covered by foliage, knowing that only the prospect of injury could halt their spar. The two stood a few feet apart from each other, the only sound to stave off the enormous silence of the night being the harsh rush of their breath and the gentler whispering of the trees. It was truly dark now – they must have been fighting for longer than they’d thought. Erwin saw Levi’s steel-grey eyes lit by moonlight, resonating the moon’s dancing glimmer as he searched the commander’s face. “Can we talk?” Erwin asked through rapid breath, “Please?”

Levi maintained his staunch wariness for a few moments longer to see whether or not Erwin was prepared to keep his word. When Erwin made no further move Levi straightened up, feeling for the first time the true weight of all his equipment. In truth, there was no living person for miles and miles in any direction. They were shrouded in darkness and silence, seen only by the uncomprehending eyes of the barn owls squirreled away inside the trunks of the trees. The only looming fingers were those of the pines, bent and gnarled above them like locked bodies. They were alone. Levi didn’t need to put up appearances.

**6:51 pm**

“I don’t deserve it,” Levi exclaimed in a loud, uneven voice. It was so unlike his usual self that Erwin was shocked still for a moment. Levi fumbled with the gas and blade canisters attached to his hips, dropping their weight onto the ground. “I don’t fucking – shit –,” Erwin reached out to arrest Levi’s clumsy, trembling fingers in the secure warmth of his palms. He drew close to the small, dark corporal and murmured for him to raise his arms a little – yes, like that – and with a few deft movements he was able to gently remove the most part of Levi’s encumbering gear.

“Come back to base with me,” he offered in a humble, tender voice. Levi looked away from him, but Erwin’s firm voice regained his attention. “You tell me you trust me, that you’d follow me to the grave – but you won’t do this for me? You won’t move yourself to safety where we could perhaps discuss this in a more comfortable environment?” He gestured loosely to the dark forest around them.

“I knew you would follow me,” Levi replied, his voice still comparatively warm despite his having cooled his head quite a bit. The prolonged shadows were still apparent under his eyes, the long lines drawn down from the apexes of his eyelids to the creases of his cheeks, and he looked tired. Unquenchably so. “You’re skull is thick enough to attempt it, and I knew it then, so I didn’t have any worries. I thought you might’ve been clever enough to send out one of those snotty kids from the 104th in your stead, but obviously I set my expectations of you too high.” Levi smiled thinly. “What _environment_ is so secluded as this?” As Erwin had done only moments ago, he motioned widely around them in an action mocking of the commander’s. “What better place to reveal secrets? Little ears are always listening, you know, and little sneaky eyes never cease to watch.”

“What are you talking about?” Erwin asked, his voice blunt and direct. “If this is about the time those kids caught us –,”

“It isn’t. Shut up.” Levi’s curt voice was like the crack of a whip through the cool night air. But despite the chilliness of his voice, bright colour stood high upon his cheeks. “Earlier today you called me ‘human’. You told me it was natural to experience these – what did you call them? – ‘emotional heights’. You were right. I _am_ human, though I am aware that certain rumours dictate I am not. I feel guilt for treating you as I have; had I acted the same way towards anybody else I wouldn’t have been the least bit vexed by it. But you’re –,” his voice broke off with a sour, shattered note hanging on the back of his tongue, and he listlessly fingered the crest on the front of Erwin’s jacket in thought. “You’re not quite like that. You’re so… so kind. Fair. You see things the way they really are, but it still doesn’t dampen your determination. Your loyalty – passion – your _diligence_ is so bright sometimes I’m blinded by it. Someone like you shouldn’t have to put up with my shit like this. I feel sorry for it. I feel like a bastard for having cheated you out.”

Erwin chuckled low in his throat. “So your lured me out here for that? To tell me you feel bad for having ignored me?”

“No,” Levi interceded rudely, “I’m not done yet. You – do you remember when you asked me if I’d been dreaming again?”

“Yes. I do.”

“How did you know, Commander? The moment I started having them I stopped seeing you. I couldn’t have cared less how obvious my actions had been; I certainly didn’t expect you to remain in the dark, at least not for this long. It was personal preference. It had nothing to do with anything you’d done. But how did you know? I’d never told you about them.”

“A hunch.” Erwin’s shoulders heaved with a heavy shrug. “I noticed quickly enough that you were avoiding me only during the night, so I figured it had something to do with your sleep patterns. I asked you that not knowing any better, and ended up with all the information I needed. Everything I said this morning was a wild guess.”

Levi was as silent as Erwin had ever seen him. No bitchy remark, no withering glare, nothing. He face was glazed as if covered in ice, colourless lips parted only slightly. Then a whisper cracked past his teeth. “But they aren’t dreams, Erwin, not really.”

The silence that followed put a deep crease between Erwin’s brows. He was waiting for Levi to continue this explanation of his; he’d sealed his lips shut, though, and no words were coming out in succession. So Erwin decided to fill the silence with a few of the thousands of questions he was aching to ask.

“Dreams!” he exclaimed suddenly, drawing Levi’s cold gaze. He reclaimed the corporal’s hands again and squeezed them. “What could make these things so awful that you wouldn’t want to talk to me? Why would memories of your friends push you so far –?”

Erwin couldn’t finish. Levi had shoved him away, back towards his horse, and had started in the other direction before the commander could begin again. He was at a loss as Levi hauled himself painstakingly up into his saddle after gathering his discarded gear and slinging it up over the mare’s neck. He jutted his chin in the commander’s direction as a silent bid to for him do the same. With a grunt of effort Erwin followed Levi’s lead, spurring his mount on to follow Levi’s as he headed back towards the pinprick of light that gleamed through the narrow opening of the pine forest. The path required the men to ride in single-file, pushing them into line one behind the other and plunging them into an unwary silence. Usually the silences between Erwin and Levi were companionable; comfortable, at the least. But this one was not. The air between them was drawn tight as a string, tension so palpable that it felt possible to pluck it for a musical note. It was hardly any wonder.

The close, warm air of the forest, fragrant with the scent of pine needles and wet bark, was gripped by the cold autumn night as they wandered once more out onto the prairies separating the village from the base. On the horizon low light glimmered, evidently coming from the building itself.

“I’ve heard them called night terrors,” Levi muttered quietly; he had assumed a position beside Erwin, having dropped back into an easy pace, and the two moved abreast at an urgent jog. “I didn’t think they were real, though. I thought dreams were dreams, and if you couldn’t handle them then you didn’t deserve to be alive.” Erwin was silent as stone as a low, ironical laugh escaped Levi’s lips. “But the mind is less palatable than I would have imagined. It’s infinitely complex, which saddens me – we strive to understand these Titans yet we do not yet fully understand the workings of our own bodies.” He increased his pace, the mare beneath him snorting nervously, and Erwin eased along in perfect time. “Supressed memories, trauma, things like that. I haven’t looked into it, though perhaps I should have. For me –,” he hated having to relate things like this back to himself, and his voice became subsequently quieter “ – losing Farlan and Isabel was like losing my own family. To see the remnants of their lives displayed so brutally – the fact that I’d left them behind, that I wasn’t there to protect them – that I wasn’t there when they were killed –!”

Only one set of thudding hooves continued on before Erwin realised Levi had come to a halt and sat bent double in his saddle. His knuckles were stiff over the reins. Erwin tentatively rode back to his side and lay a heavy hand over his shoulder. Instead of flinching away this time, Levi leaned into it. “I’ve been defeated by my past, Erwin.” His voice was muffled. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it.”

“No you haven’t. Come on.” Drawing in even closer, Erwin delicately manoeuvred Levi from astride the mare to his own saddle, settling the captain comfortably in front of him and reaching round him to take up the reins of the now empty mount. Resuming their pace, Erwin found himself surrounded by the familiar smell of Levi’s washed hair and clothes starched stiff and white as bone, the familiar feel of his body, tight and muscular as it jostled gently against his front, the familiar sound of his breathing. There was something calming about the way they rode, something remedial; it was almost as if there were no Titans left in the world to harass them, and that they could keep travelling forever suspended in this ethereal sphere of absolution. As the lights of the headquarters appeared over a crumbling fence line, however, Erwin was brought down hard to earth and felt his shoulders tighten with the assumed sense of responsibility. The windows of the lower levels were dimly lit, torches still illuminating the stables and the training yard where a few trainees still lingered. Most of the soldiers had moved inside after sundown and were sat in the mess hall eating their dinner.

Keeping one hand securely on Levi’s abdomen, Erwin steered the horses round an overgrown hedge and through an obscure gate behind the stables, hidden by a wild line of yews. Only a few of the younger recruits saw them before Erwin stabled the horses and assisted Levi to his feet. His face was pale as a ghost, eyes almost shut but still open a sliver. It was enough to make him look dead. Erwin knew it was impossible for him to aid Levi inside due to the height difference between them, but he also knew that if he let go of the man he’d drop clean off his feet; if _that_ happened, Erwin was almost positive that he would wake up with some appendage of his body missing. So he lifted Levi’s lithe form up into his arms, wrestling about for a moment so the corporal lay securely against his chest before making his way along the line of trees embracing the back of the building. Instinctively he pulled Levi tighter against him to separate him from the cold, pulling the dusty green fabric of his cloak snug about his neck to stem the chill. Once inside the sharp wind dropped; Erwin sidled round the large common area in a bid to avoid the ladder-like staircase that clearly spelled out a broken neck for somebody. Instead he managed to sneak up another back way used by servants in the days when the base acted as a functioning castle.

It was the best stroke of luck Erwin had had all day. They ran into nobody save a few tight-lipped clerks and dormice. Erwin’s quarters were equally isolated; he’d refused the lavish apartments usually reserved for higher-ranking officials, but had required a little more privacy than customarily given to ordinary soldiers. Not a day had gone by where he’d regretted his decision. It was particularly useful now, as not a whisper managed to permeate the stone walls or the heavy wooden door. Once the room was sealed, silence was absolute.

**8:29 pm**

“Your health is paramount,” Erwin was telling Levi quietly as he lay him out along the bed.

“Put me back in my own room you lugubrious arsewipe,” Levi groaned, but he let Erwin do as he pleased. With careful fingers the commander unbuttoned his cloak and hung it on a peg by the door. He did the same with his jacket, slipping his boots from his feet and placing them to air by the window. If Erwin Smith was anything, he was shockingly patient. He knelt by the bedside on hardened knees and went about loosening and removing each individual strap of leather buckled and bound around Levi’s body with unwavering attention. Levi, by now somewhat conscious enough to take in what was going on, found it all rather unsettling. There had always been something about the colour of Erwin’s eyes that had thrown him off; they were a steady blue that fluctuated depending on his mood. Levi had seen it burst like blue flame, bright and intense, in moments of passion and elatedness. That colour was the one that haunted him. Other times, like now, it was as steely as an overcast sky. No matter what was beneath Erwin’s eyelids, Levi was unnerved by it as much as he was excited.

Erwin paid no attention to Levi watching him. He was focussed on the red, raw marks covering the corporal’s skin. Levi’s pale complexion was so easily marked, almost perpetually coloured by some bruise or another, more often than not along the lines of his 3DMG gear. He was a tantalising mosaic of blue and purple, yellow and black, and fresh, vibrant red. Erwin had kissed these marks. He slid his finger down the front of Levi’s shirt, parting the buttons and revealing the gorgeous canvas of bruised skin; he didn’t have to imagine it now. He’d kissed them, run his tongue over them, pressed dry lips to the trails of blood swirling under Levi’s skin.

“…perverted old man.” Erwin only caught the tail of Levi’s sentence, but caught the snarky gleam in his keen grey eyes, now as bright as anything. His gaze was entrapped by Levi’s, so even when he felt the brittle coldness of the corporal’s fingers fumbling alongside his to undo the rest of the buttons of his shirt, he couldn’t look away to see what he was doing. Then his hand lay flat against Levi’s abdomen, the dip of his navel rising and falling underneath his palm. Over the top of his fingers lay Levi’s, his other hand creeping along the line of the commander’s neck. Small fingers ran over the shaved base of his hair, putting a tiny amount of pressure upon the nape of Erwin’s neck to draw his head down. Delicate lips danced in a smile over his own, though why Levi was smiling Erwin didn’t know. “I want you to kiss me.”

“Do you?” Erwin asked wryly, running his fingers over the skin of the shallow dip between his hipbones. Now that Erwin had removed Levi’s belt, it was easy enough to manipulate his clothes. Levi shivered beneath his touch and his hand shot out to fist in the material of the front of Erwin’s shirt. Levi’s brilliant eyes locked on his and his breath came suddenly short.

“Don’t make me ask twice.”

Then Erwin’s lips were pressed to Levi’s, tongues running over teeth, teeth biting at flushed lips, breath washing over each other’s faces with the sweetness of a new spring breeze but the heat of the wet, humid storms that swarmed over the north in the deep summer. Erwin’s hands felt up underneath the warm folds of the corporal’s shirt, sensing his legs stir. He slid his hand down over Levi’s thigh, the muscle shifting and quivering. The coarse material of Levi’s trousers irritated him, and he suffered breaking the kiss to tug them off in one quick, practiced movement. Levi lay, his face flushed and eyes bright, lips swollen with blood and bites. Erwin rose from his knees to lie between Levi’s legs and resume kissing him, at first chastely before deepening his kisses and leaning in further to press the smaller body to the bed. The fingernails that had recently been gouging at his face now scrabbled at his sides; fingers that had recently been trying to force him away now pulled him closer, breathing, begging. The commander buried his face in the crook of Levi’s neck to breathe him in, and Levi gasped against the sharp nudge of his nose.

“Stop fucking around,” the corporal snarled low in his ear as he pulled Erwin’s shirt up over his head without bothering to undo the buttons. The heavier material of his jacket met with the fluttering hem of his linen shirt as they lay discarded with Levi’s own clothes on the floor, the bedsprings filling the silent room with their creaking and groaning overwhelmed only by the duo’s powerful breathing. Levi was rasping in Erwin’s ear, “hurry up, get _on_ with it, you lout”, urging, baiting, pleading in all of his spiralled little ways that twisted Erwin’s viscera into one mushy mess. He yearned for the firmness of Erwin’s big hands up along his hips, crushing his ribs, holding him closer and closer until he couldn’t part his lips to breathe, until his lungs were crushed against his spine, until the commander pulverised each cell in his body and consumed them for himself.

Erwin would have inhaled Levi if he could have. The cleanliness of the corporal ensnared his senses; he was a pinnacle glinting in a sea of filth, the stench of Titans rising above all hope of sweetness, the grime of blood and unwashed infantry treading down the perfume of the wildflowers that had overpowered the land. Then there was Levi amongst the chaos and the catastrophe, a muddled little ink blot on the cool surface of Wall Sina’s agenda; he was, to Erwin, a beacon that spurred him on to determination. To everybody else he was the dark scrawl behind the commander’s name: something nobody saw but everybody knew about. Devilishly talented and admired within his own faction, Erwin’s frightful star attracted nothing but disdain from higher offices. It couldn’t have worked out more perfectly, Erwin would think in moments of abject possessiveness; he didn’t want Levi to turn to anybody but himself. But that Jaeger boy – Erwin had seen the trust Levi had placed in him, blind to a degree almost on par with that he placed in the commander himself. Erwin saw Eren’s capability, but he also saw a marring passion that would be like to throw him from his course rather than keep him to it. It was something Levi was willing to overlook, a step outside his usual code of conduct. He would be so willing to sidestep such an enormous danger just for one boy’s prospect of success? Any thoughts Erwin might have had of Eren Jaeger or Titans fled from his mind as his thoughts were overwhelmed by the presence of Levi Ackerman. Precious, potent Levi, who had his hands now knotted in the commander’s pale hair that had been acceptably coiffured before his escapade into the untrodden planes of Wall Maria. Now it was a mess of stray blonde hairs and wildly grasping fingers, tearing and pulling and tugging every which way, consumed by a craze that muddled every thought running through their heads.

The commander bullied apart Levi’s knees, sinking his heavy weight against the naked front of his body. Still clothed from the waist down and with half-ruined strapping hanging from him like cobwebs, extricating Erwin from his confines was nothing less than difficult. It took two pairs of hands and a good wasted minute before Levi could wrap his arms round him and press their bodies together, skin on skin, burning like the flames of midday sun against licks of a conflagrated forest. His breath escaped his lips in parched whispers, moaning “Levi, Levi,” until the word melted into the shells of his ears as letters do when one reads a word too many times. It became incomprehensible, as much a part of his bodily philosophy as the palpable presence of his partner was. He didn’t need to think about it; it was something that came to him like flight to the wings of a bird. The wings of freedom. In Levi’s arms Erwin felt truly freed; freed from the taut constraint of his office, the crippling responsibility of hundreds of lives entrusted to his hands – the loss of them – of grieving mothers and wives, fathers and husbands, of those who went and never returned. The knowledge that those who rode out beyond the walls in hope of alighting a new hope only to be buried in the wild lands of the Titans had lives of their own, had families and dreams and ambitions… he felt released of it all, and with it soared higher than a bird. But then he looked down at Levi, and realised that all the pain he saw in those stormy eyes had come at his hand; he brushed the dark hair back from Levi’s paper-white face, out of his sunken eyes, and realised that Levi’s distress might have been avoided had he not ever gone to the Underground in the first place.

The Underground was a society unto itself, separated all but entirely from the world above. It was a world of its own, contained in the rock walls under Sina, thriving on streams of steaming sewage and the blood of the cheated. This was Levi’s home, amongst the filthy feet of prostitutes and beggars. It was his life, amongst the rusted blades of thieves and worm-eaten sacks of smugglers; something he was born into and could not hope to change. Had Erwin never gone there, had never ordered Mike to force young Levi’s face into the filth, had never conscripted him as he did… Levi might have been happier. He might have had a family with someone he loved. There were so many possibilities of how life could have turned out for both of them. Their paths could have run in completely different directions, each degree of the circle presenting a different life, a different death. Yet here they lay, their paths intertwined so solidly that they had formed a sort of cul-de-sac of oblivion. Erwin was, he grudgingly thought, quite ready to offer himself up to his abysmal fate as long as it meant he could remain by Levi’s side.

“You really are a total, utter arsehole.”

Erwin looked down at Levi, startled. “What?” Then, with a sinking heart and cold cheeks, he realised he had spoken each line of his thought aloud, and that Levi had heard every single word.

“Freer than a bird?” Levi asked with a chilling conviction in his voice, even though Erwin could feel the hot press of his cock against his thigh, hard as it had ever been. “Do you _think_ I would have wanted things to be different? Shit happens, and a lot of shit has happened to me. Shit has happened to you, too. Shit happens to everybody, but it makes us who we are. It deepens us. What happened to me is your fault as much as anybody else I’ve ever met. It’s something too vast to think about, especially now. So don’t. Just let it go, even if it’s just for an hour.” He touched the commander’s face with an odd tenderness, kissing his jaw. “Please.”

Erwin gripped the backs of Levi’s thighs with his strong hands and forced his knees back towards his chest. He hadn’t realised just how agonisingly hard he’d gotten: his cock was straining and throbbing, glistening with the need to indulge itself in the succour that was Levi. As Erwin spread his legs he saw Levi’s own uncontrollable lust evident in the way his erection slid over his stomach and how his skin – already splashed with colour – was flushed pink. He was bursting with life.

“I won’t ever leave you,” Erwin promised breathlessly as he leaned forward over the corporal, sliding the head of his cock over Levi’s entrance. Levi growled, rumbling low in his throat, and drew thin lines up over the commander’s back with the insistent press of his fingernails.

“You can tell me that later,” Levi hissed angrily, colour rising in his cheeks. “Just hurry up and _fuck me_.”

**9:42 pm**

In silent assent Erwin drew back a little and fumbled about in the draw of the bedside cabinet. He always kept a flask of oil in there for moments such as these. Admittedly it had been in use more frequently before the night terrors had put the two of them apart, but he kept a stash there anyway just in case. He slicked up a finger and pushed the tip against Levi’s hole. The breach was easy, and soon Levi demanded another finger be added. This Erwin did without argue. The next few minutes consisted of Erwin readying his lover for something much more intense, and after he’d sent Levi crying out into his shoulder with the dexterity of four of his fingers, he positioned the head of his cock against Levi’s stretched hole and pushed his hips forward. Digging his toes into the bed he thrust forward, wary of Levi’s pain threshold. He breached the ring of muscle and paused, waiting for Levi to tell him what to do next. He could feel him adjusting himself, pushing and pulling and waiting until his body was fully accustomed to the – rather large – intrusion. Once the head was in Erwin was able to sheathe himself in one long, slow stroke.

Levi let out a delicious growl of pleasure that made every fibre of Erwin’s body shiver. It was a familiar sound, but every time Levi made it it was a new experience that drove Erwin half-wild with lust. Erwin straightened his back and began to flex his hips with deep, powerful thrusts that soon had Levi’s eyes rolled back into his head and his fingers grasping at the sheets. As passage became easier and Levi’s almost painful tightness became looser, Erwin picked up his speed and began a ruthless tempo that sent the bedframe creaking.

Levi looked up to see Erwin’s face creased with effort, his eyes closed tight and his hair hanging into his eyes. He reached up to push the hair back from Erwin’s forehead, tracing the wound he had inflicted, and noticed that his face was damp with perspiration. It was blisteringly cold outside but the air was heated and humid inside the room. Levi hadn’t noticed that his own skin was slick with seat and the precipitation of their breath. Erwin’s attention seemed to be focussed on the movement of his muscles and the mechanics of it all, not the actual act: he was fucking with his mind, not his body. Levi’s hands grew tighter around his face as he forced the commander’s eyes to his own.

“Look at me when you fuck me,” Levi breathed, for their faces were a hair’s breadth apart. Erwin did, his irises almost consumed by his lust-blown pupils, and the movement of his body became more fluid and far deeper. He allowed himself merely to exist, to be led by the tug and pull of his body’s inclinations, to be directed by his spirit, to disregard logic and mechanic routine. Their prolonged eye-contact sparked a connection that had certainly been there before but had never been truly initiated. It brought them closer than just being skin on skin to a point where they were almost melded as one unit: they thought as one, they moved as one, they loved as one. Suddenly they weren’t their own person but were instead a single body and a single mind, rocking and turning in tandem over the rapids of their own physical emotion. When Erwin’s lips pressed against Levi’s in a searing kiss, Levi felt himself swerve implacably close to arcadia. He could feel Erwin following the same path. His fears, his memories of Isabel and Farlan and his early days in the Survey Corps were gone. They’d flown as far from his mind as possible: his head was enveloped by only one thing. “Erwin, I’m gonna – ah, fuck –,”

Erwin’s hands pressed down on his hips, riding up high to his waist. It felt as if thousands of pairs of lips were pressed to each burning inch of Levi’s body, suffocating him in bliss and drinking the honey of his sweat. He grappled with Erwin like they were sparring in the yard, kicking and biting and scratching again, but this time they were moaning and grunting and crying out over and over again. There was no room for loveless wrestling. With a pandemonium of flurrying lights bursting across his vision, Levi’s body soared into a crescendo of intangible pleasure that shattered his bones and solidified his blood. The shoots of Eden rocketed above his head and the sweet waters danced beneath him, saturated by the vivid white light that drowned out everything else in existence.

Only Levi’s name managed to pass the commander’s lips before he also tumbled into the bright abyss of sound and touch. His tension had grown as if he was holding back from it, but now he was falling, and the yoke had been torn from his neck. He could feel Levi’s hands on him, and his on Levi; together they tumbled through the cacophony of their climax and into the aftermath of it. Suspended in a strange, silent ether, they became aware of the room around them once more, of the hard mattress beneath them, of the sweat-soaked sheets and of the crescent moon hung outside the window. Erwin sunk down against Levi’s body, and Levi put a heavy hand across his clammy neck. Their breath came hard and fast, and their smelted soul grew apart once more.

“I won’t leave you, either,” Levi murmured, breaking the enchanting silence.

“You won’t what?”

“You said you’d never leave me. I won’t leave you, either. Not ever.”

Erwin rolled onto his side and pulled Levi to him, pulling a sheet up over them. Their sweat had cooled, the air had thinned, and the moisture had begun to dry as if it was never there. “You’re too much to me now,” he replied in the voice of a tired old man. “I’m freer than a bird when I’m with you.”

Levi smiled into the darkness, knowing Erwin couldn’t see him. The statement made him feel awkward, but also happy in a way he’d seldom felt before.

**11:23 pm**

Levi gazed up at the ceiling. He didn’t need light to see what he knew to be there: he’d looked at this ceiling often enough to have been able to memorise all the cracks and areas of chipped plaster. This place was hardly new, and the Survey Corps’ budget was already stretched paper-thin. So Erwin had managed another round before falling back to sleep like the dead. Levi was satisfactorily sore in multiple places, and would have a number of pleasant marks in the morning, he was sure. It was those things that he saw in the privacy of his own company that made his heart leap into his throat.

He pictured the injured look on Erwin’s face when he’d gone to slip the cravat from around Levi’s neck to find that it wasn’t there. But why had it only appealed to his notice when he was undressing him? Was Erwin so concerned about his welfare that he hadn’t noticed until he was sure Levi was safe? The thought of it made Levi’s throat constrict in a way that wasn’t pleasant at all.

One of Erwin’s arms was around his waist, the other cradling his head; the length of his back was pushed against the commander’s front, the swell of Erwin’s breaths moving them both, deep and even. It had lulled Levi to sleep for a few minutes before he’d woken up again to stare at the ceiling he couldn’t see.

Erwin mumbled something into his shoulder; he’d always had a habit of sighing things in his sleep, though instead of finding it irritating Levi found it soothing. With those tired little mutters came the realisation that he wasn’t alone. For people like them, who had seen so much, being alone was a frightening prospect. It left them alone with their thoughts, gave them time to think over them. In some cases – such as that of Hanji Zoë – it was a good opportunity to think of new ideas and innovative methods. But for others – like Erwin and Levi – it was nothing more than a chance for monsters to grow bigger. To sleep together like this put a stop to things like that. When Levi had gone to Erwin’s bed in the past, or vice versa, it was more often than not just to be able to lie beside someone else. Soon it evolved to the point where only Erwin would do, and some nights they would make love quietly, roughly, until dawn.

“Stop thinking, Levi, I can feel it.” Erwin’s hand tightened around his waist, his long legs shuffling in the tangle of their limbs. “Just go to sleep.”

Levi didn’t reply to him, but slid back closer into the fit of his body, feeling warmth spread up his back. His fingers slid over the calluses on Erwin’s wrists, and the commander’s lips pressed against the ridge of his shoulder in response. Levi’s worries seemed so far from his mind, so shrouded and hazy, and they seemed to become even more distant as the time passed on. The clock in the corner moved with heavy ticks, setting each second to an even tempo in time with their breathing. For the second time that night their two souls meshed together to form a fractured whole, their emotions one, their struggles and all of their loss swirling together in a maelstrom of sorrow that they could share. He’d never been alone – Erwin had always been at his shoulder, stoic and seemingly attentive to other things, but always keeping an ear and an eye open for him.

“Isabel and Farlan are gone,” Erwin said through the darkness. “Titans rampage and people are being torn limb from limb. The world is a mess, humanity’s future is bleak, and we don’t know if we’re going to live out the night. But we’re alive now, and we have no other choice but to live in the moment. To grasp the present.”

Levi’s lips were too heavy to reply, his head nodding against Erwin’s bicep. The commander’s voice grew soft against his skin like butterfly wings. “I’ll always be there for you. It doesn’t matter what’s going on, or how embarrassing you think it is, you have to tell me.” These night terrors had been kept from him, causing Levi to buckle under the strain of them. “Do you promise to tell me?”

“Yes. I will,” Levi sighed. His voice might have sounded noncommittal, but his heart swelled to the back of his tongue. “I promise I will.”

The darkness didn’t seem so pressing or suffocating anymore. Instead of waking to a wild sweat, the perspiration on his skin had dried and the sheets lay like feathers over them. A deep, heavy sigh wound its way from the confines of the corporal’s chest, fluttering out between his lips; and so they were, alone but not as they’d thought, and it was in this comfortable silence they drifted into slumber.


End file.
